Friday 6 May 2011
Thursday 5 May 2011
Confession of a pity- party- a- holic!
So many things have happened when I was away, actually I was extremely busy doing that, fixing this and ruining...I did a lot of things. I had so much work from varsity I feel a bit relieved today.
Sometimes I feel like I am acting out someone I am not. I wonder if this happens to anyone else. I do things I am proud of, I also do things I regret at times. I am tired of wondering why.
Sometimes I think I should be extra nice to some people because they have lost their job, boyfriend or they broke that vase they bought on Holiday in China. But think about it, who gets to be extra nice to me when I have just lost my touch of grace, no one! I am not trying to say let's be ungrateful. But most of these people brought it on themselves, so they should deal with it!
I tell myself "Rosa, nobody is going to throw a party for you', and then get myself together. But when it is someone else I get them cake and ice cream,and 'throw them a pity party' , nursing their emotions, but it never feels right! never!I learnt what causes this circle of me doing things for others, when they do not say thank you it hurts,when they pursue their own line I wonder "I helped you through that why don't I get some credit?"-I am helping these people because I want them to say I am nice,kind and all embracing kind of goddess. I am actually trying to get their approval. This is exactly why when I don't get a pat on my shoulder it hurts. When some friends turn down my invitation for something more pressing I usually find myself saying (to myself) "you know I had to forgo 1,2 and 3 to be at her party last week! ungrateful woman!"I actually love pity parties I wonder why it had to go through all of these before I could accept it and do something about it. I doubt that I am the only person who has some kind of self- sacrificing disorder. I don't think it is gonna be easy for me to break away but I gotta be free.
I take this mask off today and declare "I QUIT". I shall let my intellect be the adult of my life, guide me and lead me, show me how to deal with my emotions. Emotions come and go, like waves, one will always follow another . I have learnt mindfulness and meditation some time back and now I summon them to my service.
Said so much I gotta stop or get an editor to go over it again....
sweet sweet
Sometimes I feel like I am acting out someone I am not. I wonder if this happens to anyone else. I do things I am proud of, I also do things I regret at times. I am tired of wondering why.
Sometimes I think I should be extra nice to some people because they have lost their job, boyfriend or they broke that vase they bought on Holiday in China. But think about it, who gets to be extra nice to me when I have just lost my touch of grace, no one! I am not trying to say let's be ungrateful. But most of these people brought it on themselves, so they should deal with it!
I tell myself "Rosa, nobody is going to throw a party for you', and then get myself together. But when it is someone else I get them cake and ice cream,and 'throw them a pity party' , nursing their emotions, but it never feels right! never!I learnt what causes this circle of me doing things for others, when they do not say thank you it hurts,when they pursue their own line I wonder "I helped you through that why don't I get some credit?"-I am helping these people because I want them to say I am nice,kind and all embracing kind of goddess. I am actually trying to get their approval. This is exactly why when I don't get a pat on my shoulder it hurts. When some friends turn down my invitation for something more pressing I usually find myself saying (to myself) "you know I had to forgo 1,2 and 3 to be at her party last week! ungrateful woman!"I actually love pity parties I wonder why it had to go through all of these before I could accept it and do something about it. I doubt that I am the only person who has some kind of self- sacrificing disorder. I don't think it is gonna be easy for me to break away but I gotta be free.
I take this mask off today and declare "I QUIT". I shall let my intellect be the adult of my life, guide me and lead me, show me how to deal with my emotions. Emotions come and go, like waves, one will always follow another . I have learnt mindfulness and meditation some time back and now I summon them to my service.
Said so much I gotta stop or get an editor to go over it again....
sweet sweet
Sunday 1 May 2011
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